Robots – Oh Fuck!

There comes a time in a persons life when we decide to eat whelks. For some this can be a rather pleasant experience, but for some it can be a hellish task of stupendous proportions which will challenge you til you wilt. And for others it will no more than drinking your girlfriends urine after a night on the Jack Daniels. I guarantee you WILL be one of these people.

There are numerous ways to cook and eat your whelks these days. Many recipes and concoctions can be made with ease but I warn you, they will end up costing you a pretty penny in the making of such odd delicacies. They may even end your very existence (but that’s another story for a later date).

COMING SOON TO A SCREEN NEAR YOU – INVASION OF THE GASTROPODS

A car just drove past my house that sounded like a 50cc scooter with 1 gear… Weird! Anyway… The vast majority of whelks are pretty large (on a scale of whatever) and belong to the family Buccinidae (THE GENUINE ALMIGHTY WHELK), the term ‘whelk’ also used to name other gastropods and marine mollusc’s. All in all they’re sea snails.

I myself are not a fan of these damn right bizarre creature, slipping along the seabed in their tough, but crunchy, armored shells looking for the next best thing to slime on and call home. It’s a good thing they’re way down in the food chain.. Or so we think!

The Recipes

Baked Whelks

• Loads of whelks (1.5kg) shelled and living if possible
• A daft amount of sea salt (get a box of Maldon Salt)
• 2 onions, cut to your requirements
• 12 black peppercorns
• Thyme
• Rosemary
• 1 bay leaf
• 1 lemon (or lime if you’re fancy)
• 2 glasses of cheap white wine from the corner shop
• 6-8 cloves of garlic
• 8 chillies (scotch bonnet please)
• 150g salted butter

First you have to wash these slimy things. Get bowl. Get salt. Get whelks. Leave for 3 hours and stir with all your might every 30 minutes.

Whack the whole lot into a big pan and stir thoroughly. Cover with water and simmer for 30 minutes. Turn the heat off after 30 minutes and wait another 30 minutes for the whelks to cool down. Rip the damn things out of the shells and cut into chunks. Put more salt in your pan maybes with more chilies and garlic. Cook again for 15 minutes on a high heat and serve with a shining smile on your face.

Whelk Expresso (4 servings)

• 1kg of whelks (dead and deshelled)
• 1kg of your favorite brand of coffee
• milk
• brown sugar
• salt
• 8 knickerbocker glory glasses
• Wide straws

Wash the whelks in the same manner as the above recipe apart from the excessive amount of salt, this will ruin the coffee you’ve forked out so much for.

Chuck the whelks into a blender for a few minutes until you get a brown mush. Pour a little of the whelks into glasses, hopefully very much akin to those knickerbocker glory ones, making sure you don’t touch the sides. Pour in a layer of salt then sugar then salt and leave standing for 10 minutes. Brew up your coffee in whichever manner you prefer. Pour a little milk and your sugar into another glass then pour your coffee in slowly. Fill the rest of the glasses up with whelks in with whelks and the others with milk (you can use alcohol at this point in the coffee). Sit 4 people at a table, 2 glasses in front of each (1 whelks, 1 coffee) and hand the straws out. Drink from both glasses at once until something bad happens.

Well done. You now have all the knowledge you need to enlighten or destroy. Enjoy.

S.x